Friday, April 22, 2005

When no title would do it

Arggggghhhhhh!!!! I just wrote a long post and I lost it before saving!

Fuck, I Wanted to say a lot, but repeating the same lot just doesn't feel the same way.

Let's give a try to a shorter version.

Had two days off yesterday and today, woke up a 4PM yesterday. The night before, we had a campfire on the shores of the Bow River, with an awesome view of Rendall mountain on one side and the Fairmount Banff Spring Hotel , illuminated, on the other. It was an incredible night, I think I didn't say more than 20 words, it was just great to shut up, listen and look at the natural beauty surrounding me.

After waking up yesterday, I was finally able to finish Terry Pratchett's The Last Hero, a book lended by Corey. I say finally because I have a hard time reading since I'm in Banff. I can't focus for a long time, there is too much to do, too many people around. Bah, there'll be plenty of time for reading good books while treeplanting in the exciting Northern Ontarian forest...The book is great though, really funny, exquisite artwork. Will have to get more of that author.

Went to the Aurora last night. Almost pressed my leg when a stupid pigfucker pulled me out of the soundbox where I was dancing because he wanted to see "the girls". The guy got kicked out, resulting in him not seeing any girls at all. I followed him outside to talk, told him he would have had a better night looking for the 30,000 girls in the place instead of wasting his time on a guy having a good time. I also told him that if I couldn't go plant next week due to the injury, I would track him down and he would owe me a few thousand bucks, or I'd break his leg. (I know, it's quite violent, I was drunk too, and probably cocky...Men are dumb!). The RCMP came, there was no more trouble, I got back inside, he couldn't, his friend came to me to apologize. A little later, I got a phone number (Had to leave my hat with the girl, she was afraid I wouldn't call...) and Gab and me got to smoke plenty of free weed offered by generous strangers on our way home. A hilarious and painful walk back home. This morning, my ankle was quite swollen and I could't walk on it, but it's better now, should be allright for planting. But it stopped me from going for a hike today...

"I want to see the girls, you don't have boobs and you're ugly!" Maybe, but there was more girls inside than out, and I got a number! Did you? Right...

I promised myself not to talk about that anymore, but I guess I need to. (Jee, time for you to stop reading...) Champs-Élysées sent me an email this week. She didn't get news of me for a while, and common friends were being updated. She wanted to know what was happening, and she wanted my blog address. I obliged in both case, then got a second email telling me she won't write for a while and will never read my blog again. She said it brought back a lot of memories she'd rather forget and it made her feel bad. It's strange, I really thought she was the one the most at ease with the whole breakup thing. She initiated it, she wanted it, she felt good about it, she said she didn't love me anymore, she rebounded quite fast...She was happy, relieved it was over. Don't tell me she was upset I met girls here? Come on! She's better than me on that level, I'm sure she has a lot more fun! I was just telling her I was feeling good, giving her news, no lies, and here's what she answered:

"I hardly think 2 months in Banff has cleared up your questions and feelings of longing, shit like that doesn't just vanish into thin air."

What's up with that? Is she upset I feel good? Would she prefer if I was still hooked and feeling miserable. Was she trying to tell me she was missing me? Even if "our" friend with a "Viking-Sounding-Name" is in her bed almost every night? (Did you imagine, once, for an instant, that you were with somebody else in that bed?) Even if she is feeling good with her life? Enjoy your life miss, let me do the same with mine, you know we're living the same things...differently.

Here's what I answered:

"Two months...Yes, only two months, it's not enough to forget or stop loving. But look around you, at your life, the big picture of it. Look at what you do, with whom you do it, the way you act, god, who knows, the way you look...Those two fucking months could easily have been two years for me! So much has changed! Everything! I'm almost certain for you! But I'm certain that almost nothing of my life is the same, my location, my home, my job, my friends, my habits, my look (I shaved the hair, but kept the beard... I like it) and the way I FEEL and THINK!

So I never said I'm done finding answers to my questions (If not, I have more every day!), I'm not done searching mor myself (But I do understand myself now, fuck! That's far too deep for people going away from each other!) but what I came here for was escaping...I was successful, and I feel good."

Don't know if I should have posted that... Anyway, she read it before, and she won't read that blog again. Didn't want to make you feel bad miss, sorry again. I have to say something though, she was succesful in making me think about her far too much this week. Pffff, longing...

So long for a shorter version. Next time, a happy post!


Post a Comment

<< Home