In Purgatory's Shadow

Yesterday's post was about my re-emerging feelings for Amy. They never were hidden really deep, they were just easier to conceal while being away at the other end of the country or deep in the woods. Seeing her, did bring her back to the surface. I didn't feel completely shitty, she just was in my mind more than I wanted, including in a party last weekend where I could easily have thought about other stuff (or girls...)

I wrote her a email yesterday, it was exactly the same as the post I published minutes before. I didn't expect to send it, but I did without really thinking. She wrote me back, another cryptic message saying that she also felt strange and that she will always love me. Everybody can aknowlede that it isn't doesn't look like a sane situation. So we aknowledge to see each other again and we were able to have the real needed talk. I won't go into the details, far too complicated from my perspective, which means I'd do a shitty job explaining it. I don't think it's worth it anyway getting stuck in that whole mess, trying to interpret it from every possible aspect.

The important thing is, nothing will change, she loves Lars and see herself with him for a long time and that's what I needed to hear. It's easier to make my part of the job now. And we can focus on a friendship now, if it's really something that can work. I have the weird feeling that it won't be enough, feels like that friendship comes with something else; Amy was more than just a lover while I was with her, she was more than just a friend, she was also more than family, she was the whole package, my litteral other half. But then, it's not easy, but you can learn to live with only half of yourself. And over time, you'll fill the gap again, by yourself or with somebody else's help.

I actually had a good time tonight and I feel much better. She's leaving tomorrow with Lars to L.A. to see his family. I might be gone when they'll be back, I bought my ticket to Banff yesterday, 2 weeks in advance. I have to admit that I still can't wait to be there!

I then went for a beer and late night snack (A huge, family-size poutine at Lafleur's! And it was a great one, let me tell you!) with Brooke and Greig. Brooke is back from a year studying in Argentina and she looked great! Greig seemed like he was quite happy that she was back too. They are moving together on August 15th and I promised to help them move. I owe them one since last time Brooke moved, I kind of screwed up by not showing (This story also involves me cheating on Amy). Anyway, it'll probably be one of my last chance of seeing them before leaving and it sounds like they've got an incredible appartment, so I want to see that! I'll be there guys, I swear!

Time to go get some practice at sleeping...