Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Politicunts: Canadian Elections, Part I

Here's my new series on election coverage, Politicunt. Which, "honours" already obnoxious/stupid/indecent political comments and articles. (The original articles are available by clicking on the title links). The first edition covers the upcoming Canadian election.

Taliban Weighs In On Canadian Election
Tuesday September 9, 2008
The Canadian Press

A Taliban spokesman says he's well aware of Canada's looming election and he supports whichever party is more likely to pull Canadian troops out of Afghanistan, "even the damn Bloc!"

Encountered at Kandahar's Tim Hortons, where he was enjoying a double-double and a bagel, Qari Muhammad Yussef says the fact they weren't included in the debate is why insurgents have stepped up attacks on Canadians in Afghanistan.

"We were hopeful the Greens would get in. Because you know, if the Greens are in, everybody's in!"

While he doesn't know which party is most likely to withdraw Canadian troops from Afghanistan, the spokesman says such a platform will be "good for that party and for their nation and for the Canadian people, but mostly for the soldiers, as they'll kinda stop dying."

He says he's familiar with Prime Minister Stephen Harper, stating that the Talibans "are really disappointed and disillusioned that Mr. Harper has taken a party whose roots were in grassroots democracy and populism and turned it on its head into a top-down control machine that wants to run over everyone", but isn't sure about the other candidates or parties vying for the country's top job.

"I think there's an important issue in the fact that the left is divided, but the right is united. That, and the fact that regionalism prevails, some provinces are marginalized and the federal government seems to have no real power over some tribal areas."

As for the impending U.S. election, Yussef says he doesn't care much for American politics and believes the next president, regardless of who is chosen, will be just as Christian as the current one.

"When it comes to influence, the US are not what we'd call, a "major power". Obama would be decent, I've learned recently on Fox News that he was somehow related to Osama Bin Laden AND Saddam Hussein, which is pretty neat, despite being a little surprising, but he's definitely not experienced enough to deal with core American issues that are so important to the middle-class crusader."

As for McCain, Yussef issued a friendly warning:

"I'd bet twenty bucks he wouldn't last a year in captivity with us!"

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