I might have stopped lying to others, but I didn't stop with myself.
The ex-girlfriend wrote to me the day I wrote my Not Your Usual Bible Story
post, wanting to know how I've been. We had an email exchange. She said she put a stock value, so to speak, on the people in her life and apparently couldn't completely put me away, so she offered friendship.
I accepted, said I think we were now ready for it and that the emotional and physical distance (She's in Edmonton, Alberta, at the other end of the country) could be helpful to get an interesting perspective on each other's lives.
I accepted upon the condition that if she was ever to cut contact (She suddenly stopped writing to me twice in the past two years and I didn't get news from her in almost exactly a year until this new mail), I'd like to be at least warned.
But now, I'm having second thoughts. Sure, I'd like to keep in touch. Sure, I'd like to know what's going on with her life and I enjoy the possibility I could talk to her about events in mine.
But really, if I'm not pretending to be the grown-up, mature, intelligent and balanced men that I'm not, I immediately realize I want all of this in a completely different way: I want her!
Here it is. Might have been obvious to many, but not to myself.
I pretended I was okay with the breakup, that it was better that way (it really was). I accepted my friend dating my ex-gf despite the little treason I felt. Regarding their wedding, I happily gave my benediction when she asked me. (Seriously, what the fuck was that?) I tried to stay friends with both, to get over it.
But fuck! I didn't want her to get in bed with him! I'm still pissed that he suggested to break up when I asked him about advice on our relationship a few weeks before the end. That he then went on telling her about his feelings a week after we were over, all of us together, at her cottage! The only reason I felt nothing when she told me about her wedding was that my heart was already in shattered pieces in a dumpster along the Trans-Canada highway (I was in Banff, didn't bring my heart there, all the decisions were taken by my penis). When I stopped getting emails, I felt like a tortured man who doesn't get the candy nor the punch in the guts that comes with it. It was a good and bad thing all at once.
I'm aware it's over, I'm not living on false hopes. I went along with my life and I'm fucking conscious she's married to someone else, for better of for worse, until death, or divorce, set them apart.
Still, I managed to keep or introduce little reminders of my life with her in my current life. Not much, and nobody else can notice. But I do. I realized I re-bought some pieces of furniture we had. I re-appropriated for myself old habits and moments we used to share. That I bring dates to places that were our usual hanging spots. And despite not always doing those actions consciously, I'm sufficiently aware to hide my personal relationship with thoses places.
I met a girl recently and she's seriously great, but... I can't put ex-gf out of my mind, no matter how hard I try! Every girl is automatically compared to my old relationship. I must admit she had quite the timing. As soon as I met Katerine, there she was, writing me back!
I'm not asking for anything. I know I blew it. Obviously I'd love to go back and fix a few things or do it differently. But hey, I can't and I assume it.
But is it really sane for me to get just enough to be frequently reminded of how much I love her? Her emails were nice, but it still saddens me to see she's sharing a mortgage with someone else, that she took his name when hers was so much better. That one day they'll probably have kids. Do I want to be around?
[cheerfulness]Wow! That's fantastic! Congratulations![/cheerfulness]
Today, while at work. Only one person in my mind. All the thoughts coming along where past memories that can't be lived again. All I could, should have done back then. You start thinking that with all the changes, all your changes, it might have worked much better...or not at all.
I can't live in regrets. I can't be stuck in the past. Yes, I learned a lot from my past experiences, but some stuff, some people belong to the past. Good memories, great times, incredible girl, best time of my life. But it did also bring me the worst times in my life, and the worst of me: Lying, cheating, depression, sadness, sorrow.
I really, really hate it and would pay a shitload to make it somewhat different. But all of this, her and me, it's a verb conjugated to the past.
So thanks for everything Amy. Thanks for all you brought that is now part of me, thanks for the improvements you forced upon me, some long after we were done. Thanks for the surprise birthday party in November because I was away planting trees on my actual b-day. Thanks for running after me when I left, thanks for the great sex, for the kicks in the ass, for the laughs, for your damn boring TV shows I never got sick of watching with you. Thanks for the little attentions I loved having for you. Thanks for being so fucked up!
Thanks for your love
I love you, to all tenses.
Time to move on, or at least, to move away... I think.