Thursday, March 20, 2008

They Are Talking About You

Pierre Foglia, the famous Montreal columnist whose first column about the American Primaries I translated and posted a few weeks ago, wrote a few paragraphs, in a column written a week later, about a weird moment he shared with his Bed & Breakfast host in Middleofnowhere, Alabama. In his words, translated:

"The Bed's lady, (where there was no computer, therefore no web access) asks me what I do for a living. I told her I was a journalist. Nothing else. No details. Next day, I'm reading outside when she comes back from work in the neighbouring town (where she owns a tool store), she holds paper sheets and hands them down to me:

That's you, right?

It was my first Alabama column, translated in english, don't ask me by who, don't ask me on which site, don't ask me why, an excellent translation by the way. On another sheet, from another site, my résumé, my age, where I was born, where I worked, the kind of articles I write, with details as precise as my taste for sports, etc. The kind of epitaph that ones read with the feeling of being dead.

It amused me. Nevertheless, where shall one hide? With the Dowayos in North Cameroun? Not sure. I can already see the village chief approaching with his wood rabbit hat: You small bicycle Foglia? You engaged with an Ibe'ville girl?"

Well, after many verifications, and only to brag (as he didn't ask), I'm the guy and the site who did the excellent translation for your enjoyment. One takes every compliments, mostly from such instances, and I hope the dude won't keep the feeling that his wikipedia entry is an epitaph, but rather a sign that others have enough of their lives to waste to write about you.

Time to go see where's my epitaph.

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What The Frak?

Below are a few videos I order you to watch, because I'm too lazy to post original content and also because I happen to like those shows and would like to share.

Heard about BSG and its goodies, but too lazy to go through a three-season marathon? Well, you miss quite a bliss. Meh, frak, here's a funny, very quick recap:

(click on image to watch)

And here's OSS 117, France's most mysoginist, racist, bigot, colonialist and dumbest spy. He's good though!

Probably one of the best French comedies of the last few years. The movie is more than a parody, it's an hommage to 1960's spy movies, up to the cinematography.

A must see. Here's a few clips with english subtitles (except for the last two ones, but they are hardly necessary)

All Tied Up:
(click on image to watch)

Meeting Other Spies:
(click on image to watch)

The Hookah:
(click on image to watch)

(click on image to watch)

(click on image to watch)

(Translation of the few spoken words in the last clip)
Scene 1:
French Official: "Very sad news"
OSS 117:"Jack! Jack..."

Scene 2:
OSS 117:"Jack...Jack.
Larmina:"What are you doing Lucien?
OSS 117: "Huh?"

Scene 3:
OSS 117:"Jack, my friend, my brother!"
Jack: "My friend? It's not how I remember it."
OSS 117: "Hahahahaha, 23-nothing! You're an amateur Jack, you don't know how to play, Jack! You suck!"
OSS 117: "Hey, Jack!"
Jack: "No, really not how I remember it!"

Did I say you guys need to go over the fact it's a foreign film with subtitles? It's simply hilarious!

Time to go watch my dreams, with subtitles (I swear it happened once)!

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Saturday, March 15, 2008

Knock, Knock...

"Who's there?"
"Me Who?"
"Me, God."
"You again? I thought you were already here!"
"Well, I am! I'm everywhere, everyone and everything!"

In regards to the story about Barack Obama's former pastor and his controversial comments (here and here): Why does God always walks into U.S. Politics with its/her/his muddy boots?

Religion, sex, fear and slander are American politics' old ghosts...


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Monday, March 10, 2008

Guitars Around the Camp Fire

A treeplanting-related musical project?

That's the idea behind Peppermill Records' album, Hi and Ho, We Plant Trees, a "collection of old and new songs done by treeplanters, about treeplanting, and for the most part, for other treeplanters."

Check out their website, you can get the music and artwork for free. There's also plenty of other treeplanting goodies, from a lingo dictionary to a video gallery, passing by the rare, remarkable animated short by Frédéric Back: The Man Who Planted Trees.

Definitely worth it. As for me, it will be part of my playlist for the long drives between Eastern Saskatchewan and Western Alberta this spring/summer.

Tupperfan's Guide to Useless Knowledge: There's a higher percentage of artists, visual arts, cinema, photography, litterature and music students in a treeplanting camp than in the general population. There's also (generally) more pot and booze, making for really interesting camp fires jams and discussions.

Hi and Ho, We Plant Trees website:

Time to go plant words...

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Wednesday, March 05, 2008

Stop the Fucking Bullshit.

Ok, I must admit I'm a little pissed. I needed to get it off, somewhat. Granted, it's not the most elegant piece of writing. But it never was the goal and besides, really, fuck off!

-Stop telling me I'll get laid if I smell better by using a certain spray deodorant or breath strips toothpaste. I'm ugly as shit, I'll still look like shit. I'll just smell like mint-perfumed shit.

-And, stop letting me think whiter teeth will get me a promotion. Same goes with any other gadget, basically new needs created to rip me off my money.

-Hey, Obama, I really like you. Just a little head's up though; Canada's president is not a president. A tip: it's two words and it rhymes with "Crime" and "Sinister".

-Don't tell me you decided to support the minority government so that "the will of the people is respected. Besides, the budget sounds not bad at all". We all know your election fund is in the red and that the polls are pretty shitty for you right now.

-No, your network's french version of "Deal or No Deal" is not newsworthy, please don't interview tonight's winner during evening news. Why won't you tell us about that thing known as "The World" instead? Same thing applies for the first non-celebrity to appear on that little improv show you have on Sunday. Got it TVA? NOT NEWS!!!

-"I'm not racist but..." Yes, you are, stop lying to yourself, but mostly, stop talking to me.

-You're a big shot at my job? Working at the corporate HQ and visiting our center once every six months? Dont' give me that little "overconfident, in control, condescending smile" (you're fat and ugly after all), offering to address any question to you when a guy comes to listen to my calls to see if we're worthy to get his company as a client. First, you never took a damn call in your life. Second, I'm among the best guys you have, I'll never have questions for you, just complaints and suggestions.

-You're the other boss, the one directing my call center? You have enough power over me already, even if you don't know my name. Did you ever speak to me? So do you need to get as low as to tell me not to leave my jacket in the reception wardrobe when I just want to run to my desk to get something I forgot (You told us we couldnt wear our jackets in the center in the first place), instead of making a huge detour to leave it in the locker room? I mean, what kind of chickenshit, anal, power-hungry stunt is this? No caps? No chocolate bars? No newspaper? Fuck you, what about improving our conditions and our salary and resolving the huge quality discrepancies instead of sitting at the reception waiting area speaking italian with your friend during work hours? Eh? ANSWER!

-Seven agents told you you couldn't get Pac-Man on your damn cheap phone! Do you need to keep bugging every agent, shouting personal attacks because the game doesn't download? Here's your fucking credit, is there anything else we can do for you, apart from being yelled at? Of course not, don't call back. Yes go with the competition. Oh you didn't know? This specific competitor is actually the same company, the incompetent technical support you talked to before, those are the guys from that "better" company! (And yes, they are indeed incompetent, and no, that company is not better. Want to know which company I'm talking about? It's rhymes with tell, starts with a "b" and ends up with either Canada or Mobility...) See you around, no-life bitch!

For christ sake's, Pac-Man...

-"Hi, I want to activate my phone." "Sure I can do that for you, congratulations on the purchase of the phone!" No, I don't really believe it, and if I sound cheerful while licking your balls for a cheap phone (Hey, good job on buying this lettuce!), I'm also throwing as many middle-fingers as I can at my computer screen right now.

-You can't give me the manager job. Just tell me. Don't tell me I've got it, tell the same thing to my friend, let us wait three months because "there's an employee shortage right now" to then realize that another department's manager got the job when his department was laid off...

-You don't pay me when I don't show to work, therefore don't ask me for a doctor's note! I'd need to pay 10 bucks for it, and I'm not planning to go to the doctor. Why? Because gastro requires sleep and lots of water. Don't need to be a doctor and jam an emergency room to know that! Besides, I wasn't really sick, if only of this job. Also, it's illegal if I'm not getting paid to request such a note, so piss off!

-You want to emulate 1984 with the bureaucratic, paranoid, obsessive, life-controlling shit? Dude, you're 24 years too late!

-Yeah, my "I Hate YOUR life T-Shirt" is really funny. The thing you're trying to ignore is that it's true. And you hate your life too!

-"Woah, what are you reading? War And Peace, what a brick! And the captions are small! Have you read Harry Potter? It's really good!" Have you read other books? Probably won't find better than Potter, but hey, let's try! Oh, no, you don't want to? Yeah, books are frightening...

-When you say "your company sucks" and I say "I wholeheartly agree, sir", you must stop yelling.

-Yes, treeplanting is hard. No, no matter how ready you are and what you did in your life, you won't be ready for what is to come until you've been there. Yeah, it is somewhat condescending. But hey, I did it, did you? Don't try to convince me, convince yourself!

-For fuck sake's, B-C tree-planters are not better than other provinces' planters, they are just usually better paid. Period. You still need to bust your ass, to work under shitty condtions and the terrain is sometimes a little tougher, steeper. Doesn't mean it's always flat or "easy" out East. I know plenty of planters who sucked out east and made decent money in B-C. Might say something about other provinces' planters intelligence though(me included), but not necessarily...

-Yeah, you can show me how to play pool, but if I kick your ass, don't be pissed, dude, you crossed the line.

-No, I don't want to join your Facebook "Fire Bob Gainey" club. Bob Gainey is the general manager for the NHL's Montreal Canadiens, they are second in the Eastern conference right now, fighting for the first place. Didn't happen in 15 years. So if someone should be fired, it's you, from whatever job you hold, for being a total fucktard that can't face reality.

-Oh and by the way, the only Facebook application I'd join is one that'd allow me to shoot or burn every other one, for anyone, forever. Yes, some might call such a thing a "virus" or a "crime", I'd say the thousands invitations I get is plain simple harrasment, so we're even. I keep Facebook for one reason only: To keep some basic, non-commiting, casual communication with long -distance friends, high school pals, my mom and my friend when we lost each others in a bar. If you know my friends, you're not necessarily my friend(it'd help we saw each other at least, like, once), and if you're my boss, I'll definitely not accept you.

-Okay, you want me to piss in a bottle so I can be part of management in a treeplanter camp, you have to expect me to get pissed drunk the night before. It'll help me piss more, and it's legal, so you're fucked. Besides, in Canada, you can't refuse a job on the basics of an urine test. Also, I'll be in Edmonton, also known as EdMONOTON, so what else can I do if you stop me from doing crystal meth?

-"Well at least he died doing something he loved". True, every soldier strives to die in a pool of oil and blood on a desert road because his "armored vehicle" was struck by a RPG...

Aaaahhhhhhhh, feels way better!

Time to go see a movie. Oh yeah, reminds me! France citizens need to learn to pronounce the english "th" sound properly, instead of that damn "z"! Yesterday, while talking movies with an expatriate, in french, he told me how good "Zerwyl Bebluud" is. After thinking it was an Egyptian movie, and confirming the name for a third time, I came to agree that "There Will Be Blood" sounds like a great movie.

So yeah, movie-time with a no-bullshit girl. She only fakes orgasms. But hey, can't lie to myself. With me, who wouldn't?

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